What I Want
And that’s really the question, isn’t it. What do I want?
This weekend, it was pretty clear; I did exactly what I wanted for about 30 hours. After taking a final exam which wasn’t supposed to be cumulative (but was), saying one last “fuck you” to my Professor in which I stated “this is without a doubt the worst class I have taken in my graduate or undergraduate career,” the MTV, along with AH hoofed it to Hialeah for pedicures.
It’s amazing how good that can feel. It’s amazing how having your own free time can feel too. We even had the chance to go to the *mall,* a mundane activity which I have not indulged in since the beginning of July.
We took our time savoring an all-Amerian dinner of grilled steak, dill potato salad, fresh salsa and homemade tortilla chips, whilst debating the fate of the American public education system. Yes, this is what teachers do on their time off. I felt like my time was my own, and that I didn’t feel guilty for hanging out with my friends and wasting the night away with food and drink.
I stole Sunday morning for myself as well, refusing to acknowledge the clock until 12:00. My body needed to have an unrestricted rest; there’s not enough of that around my house. Lately it seems like I spend too much of my time snatching bits of rest and private time from the corners of my life, without really feeling the benefits of it. Weekends are nice, but they haven’t revived me yet.
Maybe without FIU, without the insanity of the beginning of school, I’ll have more time to myself. But I still don’t have any books for my Reading class to read, and I can’t use the eight computers in my room. There is still no coherent administration at school, and nobody seems to know quite what is going on.
I don’t know how much longer Dave is going to be here, and I don’t know what’s happening to us when he goes. Eventually, I’m going to have to make some plans for next year, and that’s pretty scary. The GRE’s are scary. Life is kind of scary right now, and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t seem to rid myself of this anxious feeling, and that’s really all I want
I want to relax, calm down, and get things together. It’s better than last year, for sure, but life is still not quite the way I want it to be.